"No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow." ~Lin Yutang

Sunday, January 30, 2011

just GIVE IT UP already!!!

if you've been keeping up with my daily dialogue, you've already read part 1, 2, and 3.  if not, do that first, would ya? 
"we were back at square one... with five kids!"  and both of us were completely convicted at this point, that babies are indeed blessings.  huge blessings!  daily my children teach me who and what God made me to be.  they give me the strength and the reasons to keep smiling...

i love my babies.  such blessings! 
but anyway, sorry i got sappy and sidetracked there.  :)  they're just so great!!!  ok, back again.  so babies are blessings and we have five.  so what now?  well, here's where i just went to God to ask.  because i just didn't really know.  and this is what He told me, through His Word.  i gave it up to Him.  i would be completely happy with our family as it is... and i would be completely thrilled to add another member if He wants us to have one.  He can have COMPLETE control over the issue.  over our family.  and now i have peace.  did you hear that?  PEACE
the Bible instructs me, as a wife, to submit to my husband's authority over our family and he (the hubby) doesn't want us to take any measures into controlling the baby-making (via birth control)... that's God's control not ours. 
so where does that leave us?  back at step one with five kids.  we already went over this.  well, one thought that i had was this:
i feel so pained for all those couples that try and try and try and try to have babies and can't.  I could bless them through surrogacy!  I CAN get pregnant!  and I ENJOY being pregnant!  I am the perfect candidate for that!!! 
i didn't look into very far before i got this convicting pain that sounded like this, "so... you are COMPLETELY trusting Me???  you're saying that I am in charge of your womb???"  and i fell over and surrendered again. 
no, surrogacy would NOT be surrendering my life to God's will... unless He implanted someones fertilized egg inside my uterus!  and i'm not putting that past Him because dang! He is so amazing.  so so sooooo awesome.  but i'm not going to pursue surrogacy.

so then i decided to stop thinking about it.  i read a book.  it was entitled "taking charge of your fertility" by toni weschler.  it gave me some wonderful and brilliant knowledge about my body.  --if you're interested, i have a blog acquaintance who's reading it right now and summarizing it chapter by chapter for her blessed readers.-- 
last month (december) i really really really wanted to get pregnant.  i felt a tugging at my heart.  it's this feeling i get often.  when i see babies.  when i hold babies.  when i see beautiful preggo women, and not-so-beautiful ones too.  but otter pop doesn't have it.  he's feeling just fine.  and all month long i "begged" and "pleaded" for him to make a baby with me.  -now i realize that could all be a little too much information for y'all, but i'm not going to expand on that.-  so, i respected him as the leader of our family and respected his decision.  and i told him a few weeks ago, "i respect that you don't want to have any more babies.  i respect that God gave you the leadership role in our family for a reason.  and after praying about it (a freaking LOT), i'm ok with it too.  as long as you're praying about it and you feel like that's where God is leading you in your decision."  he kinda looked at me with wide eyes.  he explained that he IS praying about it and wants it to be completely in God's hands.  i told him the strong desire that i had all december long.  he said that he didn't feel that way, but wouldn't be opposed if God laid it on him.  i said, "God is so amazing!"  so that's how we'll know.  He will tell us.  He can lead us and we will follow.  We are in His sweet will! 
all it took was for us to COMPLETELY let go of the crazy control issues we had.  hand the conducting baton over to the Master conductor and follow His lead. 
"trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."  Prov. 3:5
"and they that know your name will put their trust in You: for the Lord has not forsaken them that seek Him."  Prov. 9:10
and "every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the Lord ponders the hearts."  Prov. 21:2

Try to remember, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." COMMENT! IT SHOWS ME THAT I'M BEING READ!!!


LouisianaMom said...

I love the way you bring the internal conflict and spirituality of birth "control" onto the page! I think this is an internal struggle that most if not all women go through. I know it is something Rhett and I have had many conversations and thoughts about

Trenicker said...

thanks for sharing about your lives with us.

Sue said...

I loved this post. Thanks for being so honest and transparent. I love that about you. :-) Oh, the topic of birth control. If only we all realized how little we control this. (i.e.Trevor). I'm so glad that you found the peace of God. You have found what he wants for your family. I think if we all listen to what God has planned for our families then there wouldn't be much of a controversy. This is one of those topics where I think God speaks to couples differently. God has called us to adopt next. Quite frankly, I am thrilled for this experience and I am 100% certain that he wants us to hold off on babies for a bit and go with the adoption route. We were on birth control when we conceived Trevor. What he did once, he can do again. I love and trust him to an extreme! God has spoken clearly to us to use birth control for the time being. I'm not a fan of the pill, I don't use it. We use a different form, but I'm also open to whatever God has for me. Also, I'm glad you're choosing to trust God...you make cute babies. :-)

Shanna B said...

I just so happen to LOVE your blog acquaintance! I look forward to following her blog as well!

MamaT said...

thanks for the feedback you all!