"No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow." ~Lin Yutang

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

healthy, in terms of relationships

i was told the other day that if kids don't see their parents fight, it disillusions them into thinking that marriage is perfect and easy.  i have been thinking and thinking and thinking about that comment.  i semi-agreed with the statement at the time, but the more i think about it... the more i disagree.
when mr. pop and i became one, united in marriage, we agreed that we would do everything in our power to not argue and fight in front of our kids.  we, actually have an agreement to not fight in public at all, but that's not the subject. 
both otter pop and i strongly feel that it is completely unhealthy for kids to witness and/or be involved (in any way) in a couple's hostility.  we also agree that letting the heat of the moment (in a non-sexual kind of way) take hold of your emotions, can in turn produce very mean, ugly, unkind, and untrue things out of one's mouth.  the Bible has a lot to say about anger and how to deal with it -a lot of proverbs.
we both do our best not to let our anger cause sinful disorder.  we try to do this by 1.) remembering to respect each other in everything we say and do.  2.) remembering that neither of us are perfect, nor is one better than the other (in ANY aspect)  3.) using forgiveness, because it is a powerful tool that can heal most wounds.
my mr. and i do disagree on some things, but by remembering 1 & 2, there isn't too much that should cause reason enough to get mad.  in the event that one of us becomes mad at the other (because it will still happen), we both still keep 1 & 2 in the forefront of our minds.  all it takes is a separation for one or both of us to realize what the deep rooted issue is.  after backing off, we can then talk things over in an un-heated discussion.  if we do choose to have an argument in front of the kids, we choose not to become heated and always portray respect towards one another in our words and actions.  if we mess up, as soon as we realize, we will publicly acknowledge our sin and also publicly ask for forgiveness. 
i still firmly believe that this approach, along with open and truthful communication with the offspring about relationship issues (all sorts of relationship issues), is much more beneficial for the kids.  i would rather my kids be disillusioned about happy marriages, than to put them through watching their parents argue and fight, witnessing verbal and/or physical abuse.   
what do YOU think about this discussion???

Try to remember, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."


The Things We Do said...

awesome topic! I totally agree with you. We have the same philosophies. We teach by example...so if we teach them to fight with their spouse they'll learn to fight with their spouse. We tend to mimic everything we see in our parents. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that marriage is hard....our kids will learn that the second day of their marriage or even before they get married! Just look around. Marriage is hard. They have examples of failing marriages all around them...what they need is an example of how to do it right....

I totally agree with everything you said! You rock girl!

Jonathan and Telcia said...

Disagreeing is a must and it's a must that children recognize that in their parents. Two people have two personhoods.
Fighting/treating each other hurtfully is completely off limits. And when sin rolls in, forgiveness (public like you said) is crucial. This is all for believers.
When sin is planted, it spreads itself wherever possible. Children's minds and hearts are vulnerable! When they grow up, they do things according to what they know. And then thankfully, but the grace of God through Christ, they can take responsibility and do according to what they know in Christ instead of what they've been taught at home and God knows where else.

Great blog, that's what I think.

Anonymous said...

I think you witnessed plenty of arguments (not fights) between your parents when you were growing up. You probably hated it! Love, M

Bonnie and Troy said...

There is plenty of exposure to conflict in this day and age, so no worries about disillusionment.